scRibBle III

May 1, 2009:

               Its a funny thing, love, how it makes our heart beats thrice as fast as the normal, how it makes our eyes twinkles like stars in the clearest of the night. How love makes us wonder how we were able to live our past lives without our loved ones in out sides then? Loves, boundless as the horizon, love beyond human understanding crawls in our spine and make us shiver when thinking of its absence. 

I was broken hearted this time. Ok, ok. I am always broken. Gee. Drop that ok?

Ciao

scRibBle II

August 24, 2008

In life we cannot escape the reality that some people whom we considered friends has this so called bounded trust. What is this bounded trust? Before truly defining what this kind of trust is, i just would like to elaborate some aspect in which trust is involved. When we realized we had a crush with some cute guys or gals we prefer sharing them to our friends rather than to our family right. Then we started to mingle out more with them, spending less time with our immediate family. Even to the point that we slept over just to be with our friends sharing the more “significant secrets” of our little innocent emotions. Then when we grow up, we begin to be more attached to our friends, lean on there shoulders on your first break up. Drank your first beers. Friends, how we treasure them the most. They are the wind beneath our little and fragile wings. A bit of exaggeration here. Returning to this bounded trust, this kind of trust is your friends trust directed to you. It’s like having doubts on your capacity even if you’re 200% sure.

  This was one of my experiences that made me doubt his friendship. He was shouting to the world my incapacities through his eyes. I was 1000% freaking sure I was right, my teacher even confirmed it yet he stares at me like I’m a total idiot. What a jerk.

=) Ciao

scRibbLe I

I did this last August 23, 2008, just wanna share it.

               August 23, 2008 – The day we reminisce the 3^rd anniversary of the death of my mother. This is also the day I have received the Laptop that manoy bought for me. I don’t know if I should be thrilled or be afraid of the compromise that I grabbed. Compromises, like making my manoy be the co-maker or guarantor of my scholarship. I fear that I might not be able to do what I should do. I still fear that what if I failed a subject? What should I do? What should be done?

 Just some thoughts I had.

=) Ciao

emPtiNess, my mortal enEmy

Anybody would say I’m a free spirit, happy and joyful. I am. I laugh a lot, I hang-out with people, and I have plenty of friends. I can afford to buy more than the basic necessities of life. I have savings. I can eat in fancy restaurants. I have good grades. I may have a clean shot for jobs. I am happy. I am well defined. I have family that loves me and cares for me. I have friends who never turn their backs on me. I have so much that many people envy me. I never worry on where I will get my next meal. I never worry when I get short with my finances because I know so many people will back me up.

I have everything I need. Although not that rich to travel the world or even just places here in Mindanao but still I can say I have the things that some people don’t have. I get to enjoy friend’s company.

So what’s the deal? Why am I writing this? Now I admit, despite everything I have, I feel lonely, unloved and sad. I know I can’t surround myself with people 24/7. There is always a time where I sit alone and then feel all happiness draining. I feel that the world has turned its back on me. I feel so alone that fear grows in my heart. I feel so sad that I don’t notice the tears rolling down my cheek. I try to find answers yet it’s like it doesn’t want to be found. I’ve been looking for the right term so long that it took me forever to discover that I have in me emptiness that can never be filled by anyone. I keep denying that someone will feel me yet again it never works. I feel loneliness imprisoning m in the depths that no one notices. 

Now that I have a close encounter with this fact, now that I get to see this face to face, it haunts me every second of my existence. Now, even within a crowd this emptiness sucks me like a hole that no matter how I tried to reach out no one can hear me and no dare to listen. 

Should I learn to live with this emptiness or should I try to look for the thing that may fill me if ever it exists? 

I’m lost. No matter how painful it is. I admit.

Ciao